I would like to think that I have a handle on the modern world, but in reality I am clueless.  I have a site - smlendeavors.com - for all of our writing.  I've been to the site in the past, but now I am getting messages from Google that my payment info isn't up to date (even though my registration for the site doesn't expire until next year).  But I cannot access the site.  It's just not there. What is going on?  Am I so stupid, or is something really messed up with the way this works?

I know it's usually user error, but what do you do when you can't distinguish between user error and just crappy stuff?

I am trying to sign up to be a reviewer on NetGalley.  This is a fascinating site where booksellers, publishers, and bloggers can review books that will shortly be published.  The theory is that if someone reviews the book and likes it, that will increase the chances of the book being sold.  Not a bad theory, and clearly one to which I subscribe.  Not only is it a way to get to read some really good books, but it gives the reviewer a chance to get ahead of some potentially successful books.

Unfortunately, I am not exactly sure what it takes to be selected as a reviewer.  I am sure I do not have the vast array of credits and credentials to pop foremost into a publishers mind when selecting possible reviewers.  Also, since it is my sister who has signed up, the fact that I have a different name might prove confusing.

Well, it's a confusing world we live in, isn't it?

We on the Estate have decided to get more serious about selling our work.  Our emphasis - if that is the correct word to use, since there has been little real effort to do much of any dedicated writing - has been on getting our stories written.  Now Sandy G wants us to focus on getting books to market.

Is this a good idea?  I've noticed that some of the books we've published have had consistency errors from Book One to Book Two.  Those should have been cleaned up long ago.  A writer has an obligation to ensure that if a character has blue eyes in book one, that character doesn't end up with an eye transplant in book two.  I know how hard this has been for me with my Wright Quartet series.  But I am holding off publishing those books until I get the entire series down pat.

I started NaNoWriMo a bit late this year, and it took me until yesterday to catch up to the target word count.  Now I am back on track, though my projected novel this year is closer to 60-70 thousand words.  I will try to get the core of the story done within the month, but probably finish the story sometime in December.

This story, "Searching for Periscians."  is part of a series of stories that I want to write about life in the 60's, 70's, and 80's - the period of time when the baby boomers were taking advantage of the demographic boom that made their parents so successful.  I personally believe that a lot of the wealth created during the birth and nurturing of the Baby Boomers was passed on to them, giving them an entitled view of life.  Yet everyone thinks that they had to work for what they got - after all, there is only lattitudinal evaluation possible to them; you can't really evaluate through time, since there is no way to compare the experiences and environment of one generation against another.  It takes history, literature, and in-depth analysis to really do that, and who has time for that?

But that's what my series of stories will attempt to do - show life during that period, and maybe contrast it with other periods.

Meanwhile, my quota of words for today awaits me, and I better get busy writing.

I am getting to enjoy a lot of face time lately, mainly because John doesn't trust the others very much.  Mattie started fantasizing about suicide, the Cut One came out and tried to seduce Dave into mutilating her body, the boys have been behaving like pricks, and the girls have been depressed.  So what else is new?  Given the tensions of moving, getting divorced, packing, throwing things away (and then finding out that B wants us to keep some of the stuff!), losing our shrink, having to fight with the State of Colorado over an error they made in allocating our business taxes, problems with our poly family, being shunned and locked out of the birth of our grandson Jack, and all the other upsetting things that happen to those people around you, and it is enough to drive one crazy.

Well, instead of crazy, John decided that Dak, Roger, and I would be the only ones allowed out, at least until after the move.  Of course, we still need to bring Sandy G out, since she is the only one who really knows what is going on with a lot of these events.  I am not sure why he didn't just let her stay out, but I suspect that it is because she is not stable enough.  She allows too many of the other alters to emerge.

Let's start with the first unrelated thing:  our son and grandson.  Apparently our son does not want us to contact him and his family or be around for the birth of his third child (the happy event occurred on July 6, 2012!), because there is enough pandemonium without freaks like us being around.  Ok, I get it.  He doesn't like us.  But it would have been nice to receive an email announcing the baby.  I did send an email to the mother, but I used Sandy G's name.  Let's try to keep it all in the family.

The second unrelated thing is our poly household and Midnight.  Once again, Midnight is having problems with us.  It stated with her making a statement at Dave's birthday dinner party (this was just after I heard my name called and I came out), "My momma taught me that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."  Well, this kind of comment riles Dave up immensely, since he wants to know what the comment that couldn't be spoken was.  I was caught by surprise, since I wasn't following what Sharmila had been saying or doing prior to my emergence.  Had she said something insensitive?  It wouldn't be the first time that she does something unacceptable, then switches out so someone else gets stuck with the consequences.

Midnight refused to say what she had been thinking, and dinner ended on a sour note.  The issue continued to fester on the ride home, and then for a while longer as Dave took Midnight to his room for a "discussion." (I suspect it was really only a discussion, since Dave doesn't usually beat his submissives into submission.  Unless it's for fun.)  Meanwhile, the rest of us started watching an X-men movie.

Dave and Midnight came out a while later and asked for a family discussion.  I don't usually participate in these, since I don't belong to their poly family.  I am just an occasional guest.  But I thought it would be interesting to listen in.  So Midnight started explaining, after some mild Dave prodding, that she wasn't sure if it was because of her meds, the weather, the fires, the alignment of the stars, but some things really bothered her.  One of these things was the Estate.

At that moment, I got bumped out and John took over.  (Therefore, much of this is now hearsay, since John never really tells me everything.  I have collaborated what he told me with the records in his office, so I think it is a fairly complete accounting.)

It turns out that what bothers Midnight is our switching.  She cannot handle dealing with Sharmila one minute, then with Sophie the next.  Dave tried to explain that it is not something we do just to upset Midnight, but is often caused by other factors.  Midnight went on to say that she questions the [integrity/veracity/reality?] of the alters, and part of her reason for these doubts is that seven other people also question whether we are "real."  Midnight cited seven people who have "problems" with us:  Miss Lily, Jackie, Pattie, Mila's handicapped boyfriend...and supposedly three others.  I don't know who they are, but frankly I don't care.  It seemed, however, that some of the things that they objected to were us switching, or not being available for sex.  I think people just like to complain.  Midnight even spoke with her certified therapist who has years of experience, who told her that many people who claim to have DID are just acting and doing it for attention.  At this point, even Gene spoke up and said that if we were just acting, then we were the greatest actress the world has seen.  I found that flattering, but John dismissed it.  He doesn't care what people think about us.  I am sure he, as do all of us, wish it was just acting.  Then we could declare the play over, and live a decent, normal life.

But we can't end the play.  No matter how hard we try, no matter how bad the consequences, no matter how miserable any of us feel, we can't escape each other.

Now there are times when we question do we really have DID.  We questioned it severely when we wanted to get the surgery to change us into what we perceive ourselves to be.  We fought long and hard over that.  Why not just say, hey, we're a female caught in a man's body?  That would have been so much easier.  But we were many females caught in a man's body, one shared by over a dozen men.  All we wanted to do was get away from that scenario.

We have often found that we don't remember some of the details about our alters.  For example, who merged to make up Aramelle?  We can remember Aradhana and Mellisandra, but we often forget Jack Orin.  Well, Jack was not a significant player throughout most of our life, and he only jumped into the merger in the last minute.  And frankly, compared to Ara and Melli, he is really a very weak player.  But I try to point out to those who have these doubts that we can't even remember the names or birth dates of brothers, sisters, cousins, grandchildren, ex-spouses, nieces or nephews.  So what does a faulty memory prove?  

We also all tend to "look alike."  I don't know this for sure, but people have made comments that our appearance, mannerisms, behaviors, all change.  I try to keep this from happening.  After all, I don't want anyone to know when we have switched or who is out.  Every time someone has found out about us being multiple, it has resulted in pain and loss.  It isn't the knowledge of our condition that I (John) find risky - it is the inability of some people to react to the existence of multiples. 

What was the solution to Midnight's dilemma?  I told her that either we go or she goes - not figuratively, but emotionally.  John finally gave Midnight permission to complain when she found our switching to be upsetting or overwhelming.  He didn't say what he would do about it, but knowing John, he will just keep us away and let Dave handle it.  He told Midnight that he didn't trust her enough to allow her to call out specific alters.

He did mention to Karen that she doesn't even have the power to call out Ara.  I guess this pissed Karen off because she later said that if Ara can't come over, she doesn't want Dak or me to come over on Fridays.   Ha!  So much for liking all of us!  Well, Sandy G has always said that Karen was the only one to speak what truly was on her mind.

Just as well.  Dak felt awkward over there.

Only a month before I move into my own apartment.  It will take a few months to get settled in and establish a routine.  Hopefully, I will not become depressed by the solitude (though with all the others there, it will hardly be solitude).  I am really hoping that I get into the apartment in time to use the pool and Jacuzzi a lot this summer.  That was one of the main draws of the place, since I want to spend a lot of time swimming and enjoying the heat (at least in a pool).

We've got most of the basement emptied, and part of the bedroom.  We need to work on the office and clean that up.  It will be a challenge, but most of the obstacles (jury duty and dental work) are out of the way, so we should have plenty of time to accomplish our packing.  We should discard a lot of stuff, but we still have a lot of arguments over what to get rid of, so it goes slowly.  However, we have decided that anything work related, unless George III can turn it into an article or a book, is going to be dumped.  We simply don't want to go back down that route, no matter how well it paid.

We think B is finally resolved to not getting any more money from us.  I am not sure this is exactly what we agreed to, but we will take care of it as we are able to.  We do need to make sure that we can handle our own cash flow as we move into the apartment, since demands on our cash flow will be considerable.

Our blood pressure continues to remain low, our overall health remains good.  We still have the leg pains and back pains, but we are getting treatment for them.  We are having problems getting our weight down, but we feel optimistic that it will come down as the summer progresses.  We at least are cutting out much of the junk food (well, at least the girls are).

We had a birthday in here someplace.  I turned 31, so I am officially over the hill.  My social life is slowing down, though to be quite honest, I never had much of a social life.  Maybe once I have my own place, I can spiff it up a bit.  I certainly plan on trying to!

We are all excited about the prospects of getting a new apartment.  At least those of us with distinctive last names are excited.  The others are still feeling a bit queasy about the who change.  It is not like they couldn't see this coming.  Anyone with a smidgen of common sense would have seen it, looming large on the horizon.  If they now have a negative reaction to the impending changes, it is their own fault.

Of course, I am not without sympathy for their plight.  I wish it could have been otherwise, but I really don't see how.  I cannot go on being ignored and denied in my own house much longer.  Sure, I suppose there are those who would claim I don't really exist.  But they do so out of ignorance.  The situation we had to put up with was one in which our existence was denied out of fear and rejection.

We are also starting to build up a life-style picture of ourselves.  We ill have our own kitchen, office, bathroom, living and sleeping space.  We will be able to do what we want, when we want to.  At first it will be hard to get through the day, missing the sounds that we currently listen for that tell us that live is still going on.  But we will get used to it, eventually.  Life will go on.

One of the hardest parts about being an author is time management.  Of course, you want to write as much as you possibly can, and you often justify all the various activities you do to avoid writing as just other, somewhat obscure variations on the writing process.  Am I checking out the books on my self to see what I might read later on?  It's not procrastinating, it's researching what to read - and we all know that writers need to read a lot.

I find myself entering receipts into my expense tracking program.  Not only is it important to keep track of my expenses, it is helping me clear the clutter off my desk so that I can write more efficiently.  Unfortunately, I spend an hour checking out balances in my bank accounts, looking at stocks in my miserably performing stock portfolio, and then playing with ways to redo my budget, hoping that I will discover more money there than I thought I had.

But that's not writing.  And seeing how little money I have just gets me depressed so I no longer feel motivated to write.

Our therapist - doesn't every writer have a therapist? - suggested that we assign a block of time just for us to write.  When the time is up, we stop trying to write.  If we do time-wasting things during that block of time, we lose the right to set that time aside for ourselves in the next week.  On the other hand, if our writing productivity is high (right now measured by the number of words in a draft -- yes, I know, a lousy measure.  So come up with a better one!), we get to increase the assignment priority of our writing time.  We do have tracking devices to determine the number of words, to monitor our performance over time.  We even have a procedure by which someone can say, "I didn't write anything, but I did a lot of research for my story." If that is true, show us the notes you took.

Time can be managed.  It just takes some dedication and perseverance.  And someone holding a whip who is willing to wield it.

I've long wondered, what am I here for?  I don't buy the trite answer I get from my friends and associates, that I am here to "teach the value of living."  If that is my purpose, I sure have muffed it up!

Now, however, I think I have found a better purpose.  I have taken the initiative to get all of my closest companions together to start working much more assiduously on SML Endeavors.  It is the company that Sandy G set up to manage and promote all of the writing talents that might - or might not - exist on the Estate.  Unfortunately, Sandy G hasn't done much with the company, so I have taken it over.  I mean, after all, it does bear my initials!

I have been working on a website where we can keep track of everything we are doing - stories we are working on, blogs that we create, documents and works in progress that we want to track.  I have to make sure, however, that I don't leave stuff out where it can be seen by prying eyes and grabbing fingers.  The SML team would not be happy with me if their creative efforts were stolen.

On the other hand, who would be desperate enough to steal what they have produced?

My therapist, Laura, was at the Transgender Conference and she took a bunch of us through an exercise to help us understand how we felt about our transgender experience.  For me, it was about more than being transgender - it was about being identity dysphoric.

The first thing we had to do do was contemplate how Moses felt as an Egyptian and a Jew.  For me this was easy.  All of my life I have felt like an outsider - someone not wanted, someone different - growing up as a "Protestant" in a Jewish neighborhood in Buffalo; as an "easterner" in California; as a Westerner in India; as a person of two sexes; as a temporary worker who will always be gone "next month."  This feeling of alienation has haunted me my entire life.  Where can I go that I feel at home?

The second image we contemplated was Moses addressing the burning bush, which burns but is never consumed.  For me, the burning bush is the constant change from person to person, always coming back to the same question:  "Who am I?  What am I?"

I have fought this all my life.  But when I finally acknowledged who and what I was, I felt peace and acceptance (at least of myself) When I tried to describe this to Laura, the idea of how I felt about myself just overwhelmed me with emotions.  I couldn't speak, and I started to cry uncontrollably.  My emotion was so intense that even Laura began to cry.  I couldn't talk for several minutes.

As hard as that part was for me, however, I know that the hard part of my life is still ahead of me.

The third image was the flight from Egypt.  What was I giving up as I pursued the changes I am making in life?  I am giving up certainty, stability - I know how to be a male - I've been trained in it for 60 years.  I am giving up the ability to do whatever I wanted.  My personalities enabled me to be able to respond instantly to a wide variety of situations, to apply several independent thinkers to solve any problem.  What am I going to?  I am heading into the unknown; alienation; guilt of the changes I have forced others to go through; loss of power, income, prestige; the loss of my family.

As I cross the river, I realize that I don't have "permission" to give up anything.  Who do I need permission from?  Why can't I give myself permission?  I am fettered by the shoulds of my parents, of society, of myself.  I need to break those fetters.  I am the only one who can do that.

What must I give up?  I have to give up slavery and control by obligations to be or behave in a specific way - I have to give up all my parent's "shoulds,"  I have to give up my false need to be male.  I can be female.  Hormones aren't stopping me, surgery isn't stopping me - nothing is stopping me but myself.

When I start to give up these fetters, I discover that I can write, I can be!  I can be happy.  I can get through all the pain and still focus on what I want out of life.

What does my Promised Land look like?  It is a place where I can tell the stories that fill my soul, to open the floodgates of the creativity I have denied to 30 people for six decades.

This exercise helped me.  It allowed me to see things more clearly.  Now, all that remains is to act on it.  Otherwise, it is just an exercise.